A Certain Maple Tree

It’s one of those days. I haven’t written in awhile, but today I must say a few words. Get them off my chest, so to speak. There is a story I’d like to tell, but I am finding it difficult to find the right words for it. It began so many years ago, when a little blond girl with a bowl cut was about three or four. It’s the kind of story that can break someone’s heart simply because of the love that was created and snapped apart. It’s a story that came to an end a couple of weeks ago, but now the older brunette girl with the long curly hair must learn to remember and let go. The child could be innocent and hope that the days under the sun would somehow last forever, but the older girl must realize that innocents and hope are marvelous things to have, but sometimes we have to realize that our childhood comes to an end, but that doesn’t mean one cannot cherish it.
For me a certain maple tree reminds me of the time that we have here and what we shall do with that time to make our stay on this green Earth worthwhile. This tall Maple was just as much a friend as it was a growing part of the earth beneath our feet. To the little blond girl it was the overseer of her childhood. It supported her little skinny body as a child and embraced her stiff punches and hot tears as a teen. It gave her a place of rest in her very boisterous life. It would always be there, she had thought. It was that one familiar thing she noticed when she drove up Waltonville Drive that meant home, for better or worse. It was that key icon that would protect the house from the road and show off its beauty when the seasons past between each other. Its grand colors could bring tears to anyone’s eyes in the fall, the way the snow seemed to lay still and comforted on its branches during winter, the small buds that bloomed pink and white in the spring gave it life, and the vibrant green leaves made sure you knew it was summer even if the sweltering heat couldn’t give that away. It stood strong when the wind came, it cuddled the rain, and it welcomed sun as it shaded her from below. It was a perfect tree to the common passerby, but to the child it was magical. It wasn’t just a tree it was a friend that could never be replaced.
Today that tree is in pieces. The girl came home and her tree wasn’t there standing tall anymore. Its beautiful leaves were nonexistent and piles of saw dust took up its place at its base. She couldn’t wrap her head around all the hurt that she was feeling over this tree and in some respects it made her feel stupid. It was just wood, but it was hers. She wrapped her body around the now horizontal trunk shadowing it for once in her own shadow, a shadow filled with love.
She remembered the time her sister and her had accidently tore off a branch making a small crater in its side, they had run to their father’s garage and got some wood glue and duck tape to seal it off. Or the time she had climbed up into the tree telling herself she wouldn’t leave until the BFG was finished. She remembered going out there in the rage of a fight with her parents and cried for hours in protection of its strong limbs. She had scared the daylights out of her parents by jumping from the top limbs as they came up to the garden that surrounded the tree. This tree was a part of her history and now, seeing it lay sideways on the ground, it felt so empty, she felt so empty. Deciding to remember all the good and bad times with the Maple was the only way she could get through this sad event. The Tree had been loved. The little girl, the teenage, the young woman, the middle aged woman, and the old lady would never forget what it had given them.
--Anne

To "New"

So although it has been an age and a day since I've written on this blog, I'd like to check in and just write a little something of what I've been working on in the last couple of weeks. I am the Scenic Designer of a Penn State Thespian Show, Urine-town! I used my creative skills and created an awesome set. I must thank some of this to one of my close friend's as he is the Technical Director and the "blue" print programer genius from making my hand drafts into something easily (well at least plausible) constructed by a bunch of excited fellow scholars. I am so excited and just can't wait for it all to begin!! Pictures on their way, even though I only have a couple follower. :P Thanks!

Anne

Summer Blogging Begins

I realize that its been about a year since I started this blog and I'm remembering now the reasons for starting it. I really did it because I wanted a place to write where it wasn't just me that would see my work, but others, strangers friends enemies, I think you get the picture. I'm looking back and reflecting on this "year" and I can't help but see how much has passed how much I've grown in just a years time. I started this blog not realizing how much would pass in my life. I went to my first funeral that actually really meant something to me, I spent hours on a deck in Connecticut trying to grasp what death and family really meant, I spent hours trying not to be bored in my house for the summer all the time wishing I could see my sister wishing it was like the old days when I'd come home and she'd be there, I went on some of my first adventures to see my friends from school and I was amazed to find that it's really different once you've been away at school for a year and coming back to limited freedoms, I came back in the fall and found Penn State Thespians and they gave me a reason to keep trying, I ended up having the biggest fight with my parents and now that relationship will never be the same again but now I see that that isn't always a bad thing, I spent my first Christmas away from home and it was enjoyable but very foreign and lonesome even though my sister was there, I went on my first vacation with my friends and saw that its hard being an adult and being on your own even when you are having a good time, I realized how hard it is to support your friends but how important it ends up being, I found that sometimes there's a point when something happens and things will never really be the same but that's somehow okay, it ends up making you stronger, I went to my second funeral and met people that moved me made me want more from life, I watched my best friend get into a year program in Jordan and I realize how much I will miss him while he's away but at the same time so very proud of him, I got my first paid internship in something I really enjoy doing, I fell in love and I felt broken but just because I know it hurts doesn't mean I will regret it and I made the hardest decision of all: to live my own life and try to see where it leads me. So much has happened and not much time has passed. No wonder the years start going by so quickly, you start getting involved in life and you don't realize how everything else keeps going at the same pace even if your miles ahead of it. I have learned so much about myself that I almost feel like I know too much. It's scary but it's exciting. It's beautiful but it can be ugly too.

I came into my apartment this evening after contemplating some of this stuff and my roommate was watching Now and Then, one of those movies I grew up with. A movie about four girls who grew up. I see myself as a grown up now more and more each day and I just can't believe it's here already. Yesterday I saw myself as just a kid trying to get by, now I feel like I want to get by I have to because it's the most important thing in life. I have people that love me and there are people that I truly love in return and I don't want to lose that because I'm caught up in emotions or not realizing that other people are going through similar struggles. I don't want to lose control anymore because it's a waste of time and as I grow I see that we don't have that much time and we should never spend it in regret. By the time you get in your bed, you should try and think about the good things you have. We are all going to have bad times, I'm in some right now, but it doesn't mean you can't come out and appreciate the small stuff. It's there and it's there to help you get through rough patches. The sun always comes up and until it doesn't I don't see any reason to give up trying. There's no reason to believe that you aren't strong enough or that just because you grew up thinking you were a failure that you actually are. I'm writing this post just as much for my readers as I am for myself, because we all forget. We all lose track of time, but sometimes we have to meet it half way. Slow down just so we can see that our lives aren't ending, they are just moving to the next thing. We are living to live. That may not make sense and it may be "melodramatic" but I mean it in the most positive way I can. We live so we can see life, so we can see growth. Our world is hanging in there and so are we, but to make it better we have to push ourselves to never let go. Cherish the things that matter most and indulge in the things that will keep us sane. We have to work at the things that mess us up and force ourselves to learn that we can make good change, it's not all bad. Everything that happens happens for a reason because we make it happen. We need to start believing in ourselves a little more.

Well I hope some of this makes sense and I hope maybe someone will get something out of it, but even if they don't have an amazing start to the summer! Watch a movie that you love, see friends that make you laugh, have discussions about the world, grow up a little while still remembering that inner kid, just be you and be happy!

A quote from one of my favorite (Sam from Now and Then): He said something that didn't mean as much then as it does now... He told me that things happen in life that you can't stop but it wasn't a reason to shut out the world...

I love you and until next time have a wonderful summer!!!!

A New Book: Lemur and Loris Unite

So I've been thinking about all the things I will do this summer, writing is definitely one of them. I think I'll attempt to stick to one...but we shall see how long that lasts. I'm helping a friend with their thesis final project and I figured this would be the perfect time to start really focusing on the semi-children's book that I'd like to write for it. I have two ideas in mind. One is about a girl and her dog growing up. The other is a tale of a Lemur and a Loris. This one I'm actually working on and I have about five pages written, so hopefully it will keep going at such a quick pace :P. I figured I could make parts of it fictional (A lemur and a loris would never be friends, One Lemurs live in very different rain-forests then a Loris and Two Lorises are very slow creatures while Lemurs are quick) and other parts with research of the other animals of the Amazon rain-forest. I will clearly state which parts are fictitious and which are factual throughout the book in a poetic way of course. It shall be a lovely adventure. Each chapter will be a new adventure a new experience with new animals and trees and fruits of the forest. After it's written comes the difficult part, editing from friends, and then editing from more...experienced folks, and finally trying to find someone to publish it. I'm very excited and really am looking forward to getting a head start, while I work on my other sets of novels that are only just starting to turn into actual stories. Well I hope you all have a good start of SUMMER!!! Thanks for reading, until next time...get outsiiddeeeee

Moon and back

Some days I wish I was far far away from here.

A Loss of Reality

There she sat. She inhaled her cigarette and blew out with a big sigh. As she sat on the concrete wall she started out into the sky. The mountains seemed to stare back at her omnisciently like they knew everything she could never know. She sat there and she felt the burning in her eyes, the ones that she knew would bring tears. She blew out some more smoke and she reached her hand out over the overhang and felt the raindrops dropping forcefully onto her soft hands. She watched the pearls roll off and splatter onto her jeans. She wished she could just drop and make all of her being become imbedded into the fibers of her jeans. The feeling of being wanted surrounded her mind like a cob web you walk into after a rain shower in the forest. She couldn’t make it go away and yet somehow on some deep level it was comforting. How had she gotten here, how had she gotten to this low point in her life?
A month ago, the sun was shining, the rainy days even seemed pleasant, and she could smell and hear everything in a positive tone. What had happened? She didn’t want to admit the truth because she knew exactly what it was that she hated so much. It was her. She had blocked herself out and she had made all her friends disappear. It made her feel sick. In fact that was it…Sick right there on the concrete parking lot. Her insides had even rejected her now. She recalled a time right before she had banished her friends from her life.
“It’s alright love, we care about you. It doesn’t matter what’s happened or who you are or what you’ve done. It’s okay to just be you.”
And she threw up again. She knew if she picked up her cell phone they would be there for her. They hadn’t stopped calling since she had disappeared from earth, but here she sat, alone. She yelled at herself, “I made myself alone. I didn’t have to be like this. Why?”
Everything always ended with the same phrase, “You deserve the best out of life.”
But she hadn’t found that. She tried to find it in her friends but at the end of the day she felt miserable anyway. She opened up the palm of her hand and tear drops were caught in the center. She put her hand to her face and bundled herself up making sure not to fall from the height of the wall. There she was, the child she had always felt she was.
The vomit taste still lingered in his mouth, but it didn’t bother her anymore. This moment she was living had happened so many times in the past it just felt natural. She built herself up to destruct and rebuild and that was what she was doing. Rebuilding what was left of her emotions or what she hoped would be a rebuilding of her outer shell. Maybe if she was stronger she would be able to protect herself longer. She sat up from her position. She threw the left over butt off the edge of the wall; jumped down off the wall and stood up breathing so that her chest protruded. She was fine. She was cool. She was collected. She could rage war, she could go back to her friends, and she could be herself. She didn’t have to listen to what the world said was right or wrong. She breathed the same air they did didn’t she.
She was gay and that was okay.

Oh no, EARTH!

It looks as if the government is doing some sneaky things in America these days. As our fossil fuels dwindle, the US government is making deals here and there to make it look that we are keeping our environment safe and cleaner. This really seems to be a false hope and awful lie. As the government is making money, our drinking water could be caught in the cracks. Natural Gas is the next revenue and it is being drilled all over the United States, especially in PA. They haven't found a safe way to extract the natural gas from the ground and it could be putting us at stake. I don't know all that is going on with it, but I thought notifying people would help maybe have something done about it. Gaslands a documentary made last year talks about the water at stake and recently the New York Times as discussed the issues of how "clean" natural gas really is for our Earth. Read up folks! We have to protect our planet!!!

have a good Sunday!!!

Spinning Away

As I get in the elevator of my building, I wait for the door to close. My mp3 player starts to play Spinning Away by Sugar Ray as the door shuts and I jump up in excitement. It's finally here. Spring Break! It is here and it is going to take me away from my little piece of home, State College. School is done for a week and I get to just have a little fun with my friends. I dance around the elevator, dinging through each floor. As the door slides open to the six floor, I have a big smile on my face and I can't help, but laugh at what someone would think if they had seen me waltzing with myself in the elevator. I unlock my door to my small apartment and crash onto my bed and the music fades.

I hope that everyone gets the chance to have a piece of mind while they are on their break, whether you are going to kick back at a lake house with friends, or sip a cool drink by the blue ocean waves, or chill on your sofa with family.

It's been a hard first part of semester in many ways. For me, it's been a journey that I really didn't expect. I grew up a lot in a few months and that may sound sort of crazy, but I just see the world very differently because of the things I experienced in such a period of time. I have learned to appreciate the simple things a little more and have realized that life goes on whether you want to freeze in the moment or not. The world is going to keep spinning in you are going to keep spinning with it. This being my last semester at a school I have grown to love and hate, I have realized that life isn't about growing up and going to college, it's about finding yourself wherever that may take you and you have to figure that out on your own, mo matter how much guidance you get from you friend, family, and enemies. You have to figure it out because it's an open book. Your life is what you make it and someday we will all come to realize it. I have so much more to learn, so much more to experience, so much more to love and I just can't wait. I like feeling all of it, if that makes sense. For me this break will hopefully bring me some peace, some laughs, some tears, and some lasting friendships. I just hope that these memories I've made last forever. I hope I can remember them when I'm old and farty.

So cheers to a wonderful break if you get one! And for those of you that must keep plugging away find sometime for you and spin away...

Hello Everyone

It's been awhile and so I'm going to write a small little blerb. I found a couple of blogs while I was at my sister's in North Carolina and this is one I'd like to share with my readers the few that I have haha.

http://beelisty.tumblr.com/post/3157999497/if-you-are-a-feminist-reblog-this-because-i-want-to

Blood Bank

Goodbye for Good

It's like saying goodbye for good,
You never know if it's the right way to say it,
But who's gonna tell you what's right or wrong,
By this point it's all up to you.

They don't tell you how to be a kid,
They don't tell you how to be an adult,
And they sure is hell don't tell you how to grow.

It's like saying goodbye for good,
When the tears fall down,
You look back,
But they are already gone.

Do you give up,
Do you just go,
You'll have to find that only you can restart your heart.

It's like saying goodbye for good,
When you see her eyes clearly for the first time,
As you try to formulate something to say,
She shuts you up with the old argument,
You shake your head and you decide.

So what did you learn,
You learn to be okay with the friends that you've got,
You learn that in the end you'll be great with what you've already got.

So when it's like saying goodbye for good,
You'll come to realize that you were always free,
You were stronger than the person you thought you were,
And when you have to say goodbye maybe it won't be the last time.

Encouragement

I have a new idea for a book. I'm not one to really write a children's book, but I feel like it would be a good place to start while working on my other "more advanced" books. I was thinking that I would write a book about a girl and her childhood dog. I know it sounds sort of clique, but it relates to my own life, which as a writer I would really like to do in all of the novels that I will hopefully someday write. What do you all think? Should it be a chapter book or a bunch of little picture books or what? I don't know what to do yet, but I think I'm going to start writing the plot down. :) hope you all are having a fine day.

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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/aballentine

Could it be Reality?

What defines reality? As I read Snow Crash, I find that its hard to know what reality really is. If you are interacting with people isn't that in itself part of reality. What does the word reality mean? Is it life as we know it on Earth on solid ground, or does it have to do with the social morals and interactions we create. The Metoverse seems to be perfectly real. People interact, if something is drunk your mind simulates drinking or if information is handed over it changes you in some way. The mind controls how we react to life. If today you were told that the entire life you have created was just a stimulation and you were actually someone else outside of a computer...what would you do? Probably go into shock, but the point is, this may not be reality. Who has the right to say it is or it isn't? I feel like much of Snow Crash brings up points about how we see life, how we interpret it and what we see as real. The Metoverse isn't just a fun place to go, there are businesses and people being hunted down or thrown out of a club. Its just like real life. It's just like getting in your car and going into a city. So what makes it any different. Sadly I can't see how it's different. The mind is so much more powerful then we give it credit for because our other senses seem to have their own control over how we react to things, but they are controlled by our brains. All our senses don't have minds of their own, cells are connected to other cells that are connected to nerve cells that are all transmitted back to the brain. If they brain wants you to believe something or to see something or to feel something it lets it happen. We are a computer to say the least, we just don't have a grasp of everything that's going on inside of it. To me reality is what we make it. It may be here on solid ground, me sitting on my bed writing this small blog about what's real, or it could be an avatar created by myself inside of another computer controlled by my own brain. Reality is just a word, but we give it so much credit, we give it so much power that it doesn't necessarily deserve. Mostly because topics like this, scare us. Because in the end we realize how little control we have.

Aggression, Hatred, and Murder

Humans seem to live off of the tension in the world that we live in. I would say that it is almost sick to think about, and indeed it is, but think about it, everywhere you go there is sadness, fear, and hated. We feed off of it in a way because if we see that the world is falling apart it makes our own lives seem so much more worth while. We aren't as bad off as the next guy in line, so that must say something good about our own lives...right? That is the hope anyway. When we read the essay on Jack the Ripper, I was astounded by the fact that people do look for the worst parts of other people to make their lives seem much more genuine then the next. It's in the news, it's on the television, it's in the newspaper, and it comes out of the mouths of people walking along down the streets. You don't hear nearly as much good news in one day as the bad you hear. Good doesn't surprise us or make us have much emotion, it's boring. Isn't it horrible to think if something good happens in the news you just sort of take it face value and get over it quickly, but when something tragic happens you can watch it over and over on television or hear about it on the news for weeks or months and still feel "entertained". What would happen if the world flip flopped, would we be able to get used to the fact that maybe the world would be a much better place if there were good things being spread instead of bad ones? Or would the world become a strange pleasantville where people just didn't talk about the bad? The good thing about the society we live in is that at least we see the bad as something that needs to be worked on. I mean grant it we don't always work on change well, but we know that something has to happen to make things better. If we just ignored the bad, how much worse off would we be? The thing about the good times is that you share those moments with the people that you care for and when something in the news occurs that is good it passes by which in the end may be alright. Think about it, we are around to try and protect the world we live on and humans are made to fail at it, but we always get back on our feet. If we need to go back and try to figure out who Jack the Ripper was, even if it's a lost cause, who cares. We do our best. We try to see the light at times and sometimes that's all it takes.

Tiny Boxes

Society has created small boxes to organize all the different groups of people of the world. These groups are defined by the independence one has, the smarts one has shown, and the status one has claimed. These boxes have broken up society as well. Into different levels of independence each group has within the society. This makes a very strict restraint on everything that happens within it. Each society is really defined by two different types of break downs: Disciplined and Controlled. Isn't sad to think that we have created boxes in the societies we live in, but give them rules as well just as we say we live in a free nation you then realize that its not even true, because the society you live in is just controlled by more rules created by the last to live there. The rules you create for yourself don't become instated until you leave. The disciplined although it is less dependent it is still enforced. Each part of you life you become controlled by another group of people. A "family" is always around making sure you do what you are supposed to and nothing more. It's sad that we can't break way from that to change our society into a place where Disciplined and Controlled don't exist and each person can decided how they will live their lives. That can't happen only because each group our at a different level. You just have to keep climbing on top of the ones that came before you to try to reach that point. You won't get to see the changes you make in a society, but you have hopes that the ones to come after will realize what you did while you were around and thank you for what you have done. That's what we do to stay alive and believe that its all worth it in the end.

Halloween turns to Christmas

Are you getting sick from reading?

A virus is a small infectious agent that can replicate only inside the living cells of organisms. What if a virus wasn't just some medical term that meant, "you're sick and there really isn't anything to do about it but wait it out." What if a virus was more then that, what if it was something that affected us daily and we didn't even know it. Burroughs thought so and so do I. What he said makes sense. He basically said that the written word is a virus, because it infects you maybe in a good way maybe in a bad way. Some viruses are good, but you never hear about them because people don't really care when they are healthy. What gets the most attention, the books that are stereotypical or the books that make a statement? Usually the books that are stereotypical simply because they are easier, but if you look in the New York Times, that book that tries to make a statement is being criticized and talked about. In both books there is a virus. The virus plants and idea in your head subconsciously and you think about it whether you like it or not. Writing is a form of a virus, yes it is human made, but still a virus. Why not only because it plants an idea in your head, but it spreads. You talk to friends, family, enemies about the things you read and see and that there describes a virus. That small thought can create a change in society, maybe not always but sometimes it can. Just like a virus. A virus can be small and go unnoticed, but when more and more people get it, it can mutate and change and do more harm then good. It can make an entire population die...A written work can do the same thing, maybe not kill an entire population, but it can sure change how a population thinks. Changing how a population views things can do more then just kill a group of people. Change makes a society different, it can transform it for better or worst. Writing and speech making have been the make or breaks in our society. Think back at the great thinkers, Aristotle made a point even up to his death that changed how people think even today, Hitler stood for his beliefs and conquered how much before his end, and Gandhi had his time of peace before he left us. We talk about all three of these men so you can't disagree that a word or written message can't change a society and how it believes in dreams or goals or freedoms. Good or bad, a virus can latch on to you and make some kind of difference.

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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/aballentine

Generation

So I was reading another article for class and for some reason it made me think about the generation that I am a part of. We have a lot of titles, my favorite: The Lost Generation. Are we lost or are we just figuring out where we need to begin belonging. What are we to do when the world is slowly going off the deep end? Which way are we supposed to jump? Someone's going to get hurt, its inevitable, but who is that supposed to be? That is what my generation has to decide. It's like figuring out which friend will take the fall and maybe that is the solution. We need to let go a little so that others don't fall so hard. Maybe the generation that I am a part of needs to take a bit of a fall and then stand back up again. Reboot.

All of these science fiction readings and postmodern themes makes me think that rebooting is the best plan of action. If we just start over with past ideas in mind, new beginnings prepared, and a hope to get somewhere positive, I think we can make it. The list that we need to keep in mind though may be short, but its far from easy to follow. To do any of this we have to have an open mind and lately the people of the world have had a difficult time remembering that we are all just humans trying to get by, conflicts get in the way and slow or stop progress. If we could simply see each other as individuals this would help, but we aren't all thinkers like you or myself. It's easy to see the way to fix a problem, but unless you actually try to do it, you really can't say it's easy. It's like going to one of those art exhibits and people go...well I could have done that. Well then why didn't you, why isn't that your name on the little sign? If you don't try and if my generation doesn't try, this world will be screwed. It's not that our job won't be difficult, but it is not even close to impossible. With time and effort and the want to make it better, it could actually be enjoyable. So the post modern world we have created needs to form a new modern society. A society filled with free-thinkers, but not the old free thinkers...we don't need to be hippies to make a difference, we need to be open-minded, well spoken, and hopeful. If we aren't hopeful, if we don't expect more from ourselves then someone else, then we aren't ready. We will not have what it takes to become that saving grace that the world is in dire need of. We need to make the change that makes people stop and think, oh wait maybe they have something here. I'm not talking about Americans, I'm talking about everyone. The people that are the blood of my unique generation need to get on board and figure out what to do. If it takes going down a different road then people would expect, so be it. We need to do something, because being stuck in post-modernism might be fun and great, but it's not working. Style and music is great, but it doesn't change a world. Changing a world is stepping out your door in the morning in higher spirits, its going out and voting, its fighting for rights, its starting small, and working your way up. Other generations did it, we just have to do it differently. We have to find how we need to step out of our doors in the morning, our parents did, our grandparents did too. So now it's on us. It's on us to figure out what's going to be the next step the next page in the epic tale of the people of Earth. The little martians that try desperately to stand out against the magnitude of space and time.