Blood Bank

Goodbye for Good

It's like saying goodbye for good,
You never know if it's the right way to say it,
But who's gonna tell you what's right or wrong,
By this point it's all up to you.

They don't tell you how to be a kid,
They don't tell you how to be an adult,
And they sure is hell don't tell you how to grow.

It's like saying goodbye for good,
When the tears fall down,
You look back,
But they are already gone.

Do you give up,
Do you just go,
You'll have to find that only you can restart your heart.

It's like saying goodbye for good,
When you see her eyes clearly for the first time,
As you try to formulate something to say,
She shuts you up with the old argument,
You shake your head and you decide.

So what did you learn,
You learn to be okay with the friends that you've got,
You learn that in the end you'll be great with what you've already got.

So when it's like saying goodbye for good,
You'll come to realize that you were always free,
You were stronger than the person you thought you were,
And when you have to say goodbye maybe it won't be the last time.

Encouragement

I have a new idea for a book. I'm not one to really write a children's book, but I feel like it would be a good place to start while working on my other "more advanced" books. I was thinking that I would write a book about a girl and her childhood dog. I know it sounds sort of clique, but it relates to my own life, which as a writer I would really like to do in all of the novels that I will hopefully someday write. What do you all think? Should it be a chapter book or a bunch of little picture books or what? I don't know what to do yet, but I think I'm going to start writing the plot down. :) hope you all are having a fine day.

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Could it be Reality?

What defines reality? As I read Snow Crash, I find that its hard to know what reality really is. If you are interacting with people isn't that in itself part of reality. What does the word reality mean? Is it life as we know it on Earth on solid ground, or does it have to do with the social morals and interactions we create. The Metoverse seems to be perfectly real. People interact, if something is drunk your mind simulates drinking or if information is handed over it changes you in some way. The mind controls how we react to life. If today you were told that the entire life you have created was just a stimulation and you were actually someone else outside of a computer...what would you do? Probably go into shock, but the point is, this may not be reality. Who has the right to say it is or it isn't? I feel like much of Snow Crash brings up points about how we see life, how we interpret it and what we see as real. The Metoverse isn't just a fun place to go, there are businesses and people being hunted down or thrown out of a club. Its just like real life. It's just like getting in your car and going into a city. So what makes it any different. Sadly I can't see how it's different. The mind is so much more powerful then we give it credit for because our other senses seem to have their own control over how we react to things, but they are controlled by our brains. All our senses don't have minds of their own, cells are connected to other cells that are connected to nerve cells that are all transmitted back to the brain. If they brain wants you to believe something or to see something or to feel something it lets it happen. We are a computer to say the least, we just don't have a grasp of everything that's going on inside of it. To me reality is what we make it. It may be here on solid ground, me sitting on my bed writing this small blog about what's real, or it could be an avatar created by myself inside of another computer controlled by my own brain. Reality is just a word, but we give it so much credit, we give it so much power that it doesn't necessarily deserve. Mostly because topics like this, scare us. Because in the end we realize how little control we have.

Aggression, Hatred, and Murder

Humans seem to live off of the tension in the world that we live in. I would say that it is almost sick to think about, and indeed it is, but think about it, everywhere you go there is sadness, fear, and hated. We feed off of it in a way because if we see that the world is falling apart it makes our own lives seem so much more worth while. We aren't as bad off as the next guy in line, so that must say something good about our own lives...right? That is the hope anyway. When we read the essay on Jack the Ripper, I was astounded by the fact that people do look for the worst parts of other people to make their lives seem much more genuine then the next. It's in the news, it's on the television, it's in the newspaper, and it comes out of the mouths of people walking along down the streets. You don't hear nearly as much good news in one day as the bad you hear. Good doesn't surprise us or make us have much emotion, it's boring. Isn't it horrible to think if something good happens in the news you just sort of take it face value and get over it quickly, but when something tragic happens you can watch it over and over on television or hear about it on the news for weeks or months and still feel "entertained". What would happen if the world flip flopped, would we be able to get used to the fact that maybe the world would be a much better place if there were good things being spread instead of bad ones? Or would the world become a strange pleasantville where people just didn't talk about the bad? The good thing about the society we live in is that at least we see the bad as something that needs to be worked on. I mean grant it we don't always work on change well, but we know that something has to happen to make things better. If we just ignored the bad, how much worse off would we be? The thing about the good times is that you share those moments with the people that you care for and when something in the news occurs that is good it passes by which in the end may be alright. Think about it, we are around to try and protect the world we live on and humans are made to fail at it, but we always get back on our feet. If we need to go back and try to figure out who Jack the Ripper was, even if it's a lost cause, who cares. We do our best. We try to see the light at times and sometimes that's all it takes.

Tiny Boxes

Society has created small boxes to organize all the different groups of people of the world. These groups are defined by the independence one has, the smarts one has shown, and the status one has claimed. These boxes have broken up society as well. Into different levels of independence each group has within the society. This makes a very strict restraint on everything that happens within it. Each society is really defined by two different types of break downs: Disciplined and Controlled. Isn't sad to think that we have created boxes in the societies we live in, but give them rules as well just as we say we live in a free nation you then realize that its not even true, because the society you live in is just controlled by more rules created by the last to live there. The rules you create for yourself don't become instated until you leave. The disciplined although it is less dependent it is still enforced. Each part of you life you become controlled by another group of people. A "family" is always around making sure you do what you are supposed to and nothing more. It's sad that we can't break way from that to change our society into a place where Disciplined and Controlled don't exist and each person can decided how they will live their lives. That can't happen only because each group our at a different level. You just have to keep climbing on top of the ones that came before you to try to reach that point. You won't get to see the changes you make in a society, but you have hopes that the ones to come after will realize what you did while you were around and thank you for what you have done. That's what we do to stay alive and believe that its all worth it in the end.

Halloween turns to Christmas

Are you getting sick from reading?

A virus is a small infectious agent that can replicate only inside the living cells of organisms. What if a virus wasn't just some medical term that meant, "you're sick and there really isn't anything to do about it but wait it out." What if a virus was more then that, what if it was something that affected us daily and we didn't even know it. Burroughs thought so and so do I. What he said makes sense. He basically said that the written word is a virus, because it infects you maybe in a good way maybe in a bad way. Some viruses are good, but you never hear about them because people don't really care when they are healthy. What gets the most attention, the books that are stereotypical or the books that make a statement? Usually the books that are stereotypical simply because they are easier, but if you look in the New York Times, that book that tries to make a statement is being criticized and talked about. In both books there is a virus. The virus plants and idea in your head subconsciously and you think about it whether you like it or not. Writing is a form of a virus, yes it is human made, but still a virus. Why not only because it plants an idea in your head, but it spreads. You talk to friends, family, enemies about the things you read and see and that there describes a virus. That small thought can create a change in society, maybe not always but sometimes it can. Just like a virus. A virus can be small and go unnoticed, but when more and more people get it, it can mutate and change and do more harm then good. It can make an entire population die...A written work can do the same thing, maybe not kill an entire population, but it can sure change how a population thinks. Changing how a population views things can do more then just kill a group of people. Change makes a society different, it can transform it for better or worst. Writing and speech making have been the make or breaks in our society. Think back at the great thinkers, Aristotle made a point even up to his death that changed how people think even today, Hitler stood for his beliefs and conquered how much before his end, and Gandhi had his time of peace before he left us. We talk about all three of these men so you can't disagree that a word or written message can't change a society and how it believes in dreams or goals or freedoms. Good or bad, a virus can latch on to you and make some kind of difference.

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Generation

So I was reading another article for class and for some reason it made me think about the generation that I am a part of. We have a lot of titles, my favorite: The Lost Generation. Are we lost or are we just figuring out where we need to begin belonging. What are we to do when the world is slowly going off the deep end? Which way are we supposed to jump? Someone's going to get hurt, its inevitable, but who is that supposed to be? That is what my generation has to decide. It's like figuring out which friend will take the fall and maybe that is the solution. We need to let go a little so that others don't fall so hard. Maybe the generation that I am a part of needs to take a bit of a fall and then stand back up again. Reboot.

All of these science fiction readings and postmodern themes makes me think that rebooting is the best plan of action. If we just start over with past ideas in mind, new beginnings prepared, and a hope to get somewhere positive, I think we can make it. The list that we need to keep in mind though may be short, but its far from easy to follow. To do any of this we have to have an open mind and lately the people of the world have had a difficult time remembering that we are all just humans trying to get by, conflicts get in the way and slow or stop progress. If we could simply see each other as individuals this would help, but we aren't all thinkers like you or myself. It's easy to see the way to fix a problem, but unless you actually try to do it, you really can't say it's easy. It's like going to one of those art exhibits and people go...well I could have done that. Well then why didn't you, why isn't that your name on the little sign? If you don't try and if my generation doesn't try, this world will be screwed. It's not that our job won't be difficult, but it is not even close to impossible. With time and effort and the want to make it better, it could actually be enjoyable. So the post modern world we have created needs to form a new modern society. A society filled with free-thinkers, but not the old free thinkers...we don't need to be hippies to make a difference, we need to be open-minded, well spoken, and hopeful. If we aren't hopeful, if we don't expect more from ourselves then someone else, then we aren't ready. We will not have what it takes to become that saving grace that the world is in dire need of. We need to make the change that makes people stop and think, oh wait maybe they have something here. I'm not talking about Americans, I'm talking about everyone. The people that are the blood of my unique generation need to get on board and figure out what to do. If it takes going down a different road then people would expect, so be it. We need to do something, because being stuck in post-modernism might be fun and great, but it's not working. Style and music is great, but it doesn't change a world. Changing a world is stepping out your door in the morning in higher spirits, its going out and voting, its fighting for rights, its starting small, and working your way up. Other generations did it, we just have to do it differently. We have to find how we need to step out of our doors in the morning, our parents did, our grandparents did too. So now it's on us. It's on us to figure out what's going to be the next step the next page in the epic tale of the people of Earth. The little martians that try desperately to stand out against the magnitude of space and time.

Life

A Quote

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

Joseph Campbell quotes

New America

Influenced by Bob Perelman

We live in a country that has no identity.
It stands alone but stands up for itself.
The weather changes and transforms from state to state.
It never let's you know what is coming.
A vast land of every culture and every race, without its own.
Survival is among the workaholics of the middle class, the bums who live off the government, and the rich who started with money.
A well oiled machine.
They say it is always the right time for change.
But who will start it?
I'd rather be in American then anywhere else
Why?
Because we provided for ourselves through every historical event that through us for a loop.
The hope is that it continues.
America should judge others less while helping itself for more.
We do right, but we don't get credit.
We do wrong, and we never see the end of it.
Cities that have connected our world to the rest of reality.
Technology that could bring us into the future.
The young minds to take us there.
The young minds waiting to be told what to do.
The young minds who have given up on the old and have already started working.
Remember your mind keeps you alive.
Don't let it be lost.
Think of the generations to come.
What will they have if we mess up?
We mustn't stop to think.
But we must remember to breath.
Never have a day to yourself until you realize you need one.
Don't become wired in to long or you will lose yourself.
Get work done, play later.
But remember you can only do as much as you choose to dream.

America is a great state, but we have to remember no matter what even if we aren't actually here, if we don't do something to change the world we live in, it will be destroyed. We will have committed suicide to a race of "intelligent" beings.

Chemical Contract

So in the book, The Medium is in the Massage, we learn that the society is really based off of the “current” source of information and how that source of information is transmitted to us. At one time it was from one person to another, next it was written and sent, then it was printed and sent, later it was heard over a radio, followed by being broadcast on television, which was then followed by being broadcast on television in color, and today it is shot through a cyberspace to people all across the globe.
Each time our brains transmit information they have changed their chemistry to transmit the information in a way we, humans, can understand. We do it without realizing it. Language is something that links us to other people and without it we would see ourselves as the trees see themselves or what we think a tree might see itself as; just a tree creating energy and living and dying. Language keeps us connected and gives us a false hope that we aren’t insane that we have a deeper purpose for being alive. That’s what Marshall McLuhan was saying to me. So to stay connected with all the forms of transmission we have to do something extra as individuals. To stay connected we have to build a brain that can switch from one chemical to the other without a second thought.
We have to stay connected to the people we love by actually talking to them face to face, which I think we have slowly lost because other forms of communication are so much “easier”. The thing about face to face is you actually see the person you are talking to. You know how are they feeling because you can hear their voice, you can see how they are holding their hands, you can see their eyebrows move, and you can see how their eyes smile or frown. It is the only way that you can actually grasp everything the person is trying to “transmit” to you. So actually facing people is one big step individuals need to take if they are really going to practice what McLuhan preaches.
Kids need to start being kids again and adults need to let them do that. Your kid is probably more likely to want to get into Harvard if they do it themselves. If they get to jump in the leaves as a kid and work up to being that stellar student they were meant to grow into instead of becoming an adult at age four. If the television set was turned off for a period of time in a kid’s life, they may learn how to be a kid instead of being transformed into an adult who keeps their thoughts and feelings to themselves.
We need to be listeners. That radio may help you do that. Get it out. If we learn to use our ears as they were meant to be used maybe it wouldn’t be so difficult to sit down and listen to a friend or teacher talk about something because you won’t need to be distracted by eighteen things popping up in front of your face each with a different sound and color. In this time everyone wants every sense entertained at once.
Why can’t we just do one thing at a time? College students wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed if they realized they only need to do one thing at a time. Well if it was practiced in the home, then the school, then the job maybe it wouldn’t be so unacceptable for your child to be only doing their school work or only doing one sport or club instead of fifteen. We need to re-teach our brains that it is okay to think about one thing at once instead of five. But we have to teach it because it can’t do it alone. The only thing that must be said is that life gets busy. It is inevitable, so what do we do about that? We take it one step at a time. We need to stop focusing so much about everything around us and think about the things that are most important to us and go with it.
Take each day at a time and fill each hour with living. Humans have a tendency to feel as though they don’t have enough time to live, so instead of doing everything half and get brainwashed by the media, do the things one need to be done and two the things that make you happy, for that is all we can do. We have one life and what happens in it is what we make of it. It’s a clique thing to say, but unless you actually listen to what is being said you will pass by your own life without realizing you did in fact live.

It Gets Better

So this week I was thinking about all these tragic deaths. Maybe you don't know what is going on currently, but a couple of young kids in their teens have been ending their lives because of bullying. Bullying seems to be a common problem when ignorant people are scared of something. It's horrible to think that fear could be the end of a typically accepting race. Humans can usually be peaceful if they understand something. And when something that can't really be explained arises then bad things end up happening. That's just cause and effect people...

We need to start standing behind these young people because you can't always be strong enough to do it yourself. We all need help if we admit it and have a place to admit it that is accepting. Why can't we be accepting even if we don't understand how to? It's easy just be there. Be someone that will listen and cut the person that is dealing with difficult stuff like their sexual orientation some slack. They need a break. It breaks my heart to see these young people hurting themselves simply because they don't think they have a place to go. They should have a place to go because everyone should have a safe place to go. Not because they are different, because they really aren't. I know I'm no different then the next block down the hall. I'm openly gay and I know what's like to feel unattached from society. I used to call myself not normal and it took me a long time to come out even to my closest friend, my sister. I knew she would accept me, but even with that confidence in the back of my head I thought, maybe she wouldn't. She did though. I wrote it down on a piece of paper while we were hanging out in her room one day when I was in ninth grade. She didn't say anything. She wrote me a letter right there and then explaining that there were things that I need to think about, but what was more important no matter who I was she would love me. She always had. She told me in that letter that times were going to be hard, but they wouldn't be impossible and she said that the best thing was to not think about being GAY. It's probably the best advice I have ever received. Because that's exactly it, if you are who you are you shouldn't have to think about it or decide, because being you isn't a choice its a reality. It's an amazing reality because there is NO ONE like YOU. You are beautiful. I hope that you find someone to feel yourself around because excepting yourself alone can be really hard, but never impossible.

If you feel like you have no one then there are places to go and people to talk to that may have no relation to you that will help you. That will want to help you. Remember though that helping you doesn't mean you have a disorder that needs to be rid of no they want to help you be YOU. There are help lines for just talking if you can't do face to face. There are may options so don't think you are alone. Because it does get better. I'm in the period of transformation from good to bad. It's hard and slow at times, but there will be good days too. You just have to see it through the darkest days, because those are the times that stick with you, but you have to try and rid yourself of those times. I do that every day and my friends my family that I have created helps me do that. For example, I was having a low day and my best friend realized it. He had just gotten out of the shower and he turned on I Love You Always by Donna Lewis. He started doing a strip tease and wasn't paying attention and almost lost his towel. I never laughed so hard in my life. It made my day brighter, and whenever I'm upset I think of times like that. Try to find things in your day that do that too! It helps no matter how silly it sounds.

Now that ending your life isn't a solution it is just an action. It opens peoples eyes sometimes, but its better to make a stand and fight (peacefully) for what you deserve. Because they will notice you more if you stand up next to them. Show you aren't afraid as they are. I love you all whoever reads this, you are worth it, you deserve the best life, and you are beautiful. That message goes out to anyone, Labels don't matter, you do!

Map=Life

What if life were really set up like a map? Would things change if people knew that the lives they lead were simply formulas set up prior to them even existing? Or would they simply pretend that their lives were perfectly normal? Or have we already done that? Well we can't assume any of these things and to be completely honest I wouldn't have the answers to the half of it, but truly what if our lives were like a map. Would that make you think differently?

I feel like at some point you would just accept the fact that at least everything is scheduled. You wouldn't have to worry about making opinions because they would already be created for you. If a war was going on, everyone would be told: where to go, what to do, and when to die. The people of power couldn't scare the general population simply because you would already know what was going to happen, the problem would be: you wouldn't be able to stop it from happening. If you couldn't stop it then why get upset when something terrible happens. That's what happens when society really ends up in a dark place. If it gets so bad that people just give up and that's why we have "thinkers". Without them the general population would have given up ages ago. But if it were true life would be really boring, but what would the radicals of that world be like?

If the game of life was like a map the radicals would be fiercer then they are in this life. Why? Well if we all believed there was nothing to be done, nothing to change on our own, they would try to see reason and see if that were actually the case. They would end up persuading groups of people to think for themselves, to mess up the map.

Messing up the map is what every "group of thinkers" has done since forever. Look back at all the people who stood up for what they believed in. We may indeed have a society that was created off the ideas of a map, but in the end we all teach ourselves that there is something better out there. So maybe this whole map idea isn't so insane. Maybe it's how life really is, but we choose to follow the crowd or step out of line and make up our own minds.

The Lobby Room

Isn't film the Lobby in our lines that we can sit in the dark sometimes with friends, acquaintances, or alone and become whoever we want whether we are sharing it with anyone or if it is simply in our heads? If we could put aside the word, "film" and see it as a lobby a waiting place where our fantasies become a reality for 90 minutes, we could realize it's a place the brain can explore as it does possibly in the dreams state. Maybe this is way to abstract, but think about it. What do you do during a movie? Do you see yourself through a character maybe nor the main lead but someone in the film? I know I do.

Film producers hit gold when they created the whole Hollywood light. Average people idolize actors (when they are merely doing their job), the theater is a small vacation, people will pay a fair amount to view a movie, and people get to forget who they are for the time being. So the producers gets something and the actors get something and so does the audience. But what do they they get? Different things (answers may vary): Producers may get money, actors may get the thrill of being in the limelight, and the audience may get feeling whoever the fuck they want to be.

The audiences probably the most important to talk about right now simply because that is probably the majority of most folk. Isn't the point of the movies (the great thing about the movies) is to get away from ones own life? When someone like yourself leaves the theater you forget that the actors are just average people because in your head they have become the characters they just acted as. When you leave the theater you boy is shocked that the world is still spinning round that the people surrounding you did not experience what you have just experienced in the past hour or two. When you leave the theater behind, your fantasy may continue as the day goes on.

Now let's go over some themes that happened in Grand Hotel and then compare it to a newer film, the Social Network (not really a spoiler). In the Grand Hotel you get the lobby analogy full blown; you experience it on the screen as you are also experiencing it subconsciously as you sit in the movie theater with your expensive butter popcorn and large cherry coke. You realize that life is a repetition. Each character experiences something a bit different, but really life is all connected to each other. At the end of the film it smacks you in the face with a bit of hard pressed reality. A new married couple walks through the doors. As life in the lobby continues a bit of new light files in. This new couple is almost a metaphor for the next generation. They bring happiness and new ideas, simply because they haven't experienced as much as the people that have gone before them. And so it goes...

Now we brought up in class how we can't compare old films to new ones. but really film hasn't changed not the concrete important stuff. Acting style circulates, producers die and reappear, film style recycles, the only real change is editing and how our brains process the information. So now let's relate to the Social Network.

Last night I ad the opportunity to see an early showing of this new and exciting film. I realized that we strive to live off of someone else life because somewhere in our mind we think maybe (maybe it is) better than our own. The thing is we rush to the movies to watch a character who did something really truly amazing, but even he wasn't really content with his life. You get two different view of the character, Zach. The first scene he truly makes an ass of himself and you get this idea spun around at multiple times. You also see that he just isn't scene. By the end you pity him almost. You feeling sorry for him puts him on an invisible pedestal that he may or may not deserve. So what am I getting at? If you were friends with Zach or somehow connected to him in real life would you still idolize him? Or would you see through him? Has film given us almost the super human power of seeing the best or worst out of someone because you are seeing them from an unbiased view point? The end result for me is that film gives me the ultimate escape because I get to think in a way that I don't normally get to experience unless I'm watching a movie mostly because when you have an opinion on a film no one can honestly criticizes you. Because you can say you're right or wrong (they can but who can say they're right)

So why don't we just go sit in a lobby and start experiencing life as a film enjoying what we have created for ourselves instead of what a made up character on a screen creates for us. we can do it all on our own.

Language as an Idea

What if language wasn't called language? Or a better way to put it, what if language was known as something entirely different? What I'm trying to say is that, if language was seen as a less condensed definition. Language is so narrow minded if you really think about it. Look what we have done to it. When you think of the word language, what pops up in your head? I'm sure its not that everything that we do is a type of language. No instead we have this backwards thought that is just means the way someone else talks or communicates. But look at it. Language is so much more then just a way of communicating. It has created our universe and the society that each individual lives in, without it there wouldn't be blogs to read, or newspapers to write, or art to see, or people to talk too. It makes the world go round in a sense because we have made it the most important thing to us besides eating, breathing, and living. But we didn't really think about what language really is. We just wrote it off as something that we use, it's a tool like everything else, we don't really give it any credit, or really think about it unless we are learning a new language. Even then do we really see at as something grand or do we just memorize new phrases and new words to continue our own search for the things we want out of our lives? I feel as though I'm in a world that is based of wanting instead seeing how amazing the world really is. I know that in retrospect I'm a tiny dot that is meaningless, but my tiny dot is happy. My tiny dot is trying to do everything she can to appreciate what is around her and that the communication she has with her friends and family and strangers, gives her a chance to live an even better life. Language is much more than syllables and sounds escaping from the hole in the lower center of our face. Language is something that we should show a little respect for. It gives us that one extra thing that "brings us above the rest". Without it we would live very boring lives.

MY FAVORITE YEAR

So there are auditions for My Favorite Year tonight and tomorrow at 6-10 pm at Boucke, so if you love dancing, singing, acting, or some combination show your face in rooms 303-305!!!

It's going to be a good year!

Is a Tree really a Tree?

So one day some guy decided, look at that thing that looks like wood with little pieces of things stuck on other things that goes up. Let's name it. Hmm but what? What sounds good on the tip of my tongue when I look at this fine image in my head? Tree. That's a good one. And so another word was created and another word was added to the book of words that was then later translated across the world in all different languages and that word was then put on every bookshelf in every Barnes & Nobles in America in the Webster's Dictionary.

Is that how it happened? Did we just one day decide well there we go, here's another word to describe that bird or that "wooden" coffee table or the shower head? It seems as though we just created words simply because sounds made sense, they rolled off our tongues and formed sentences. But what is a sentence you may ask? Well does anyone really know. If you look at this rule by the fond philosopher, Saussure, then we really aren't saying anything at all. There is indeed no meaning to our madness. We create things and we buy things and we talk to people and we love things/people, but what does it really all mean in the end. It seems to me like we just die, something happens to our bodies. Well that's what I think. It had to be for something at least a recycling of the earth at least. I hope that the sounds we make are actually something, that we created something more then just a convenience of speech. It would scare the majority of the population if they really sat down and realized that the sounds each race, each ethnicity, each culture forms out of their mouths was nothingness. Why would it scare the majority of people. Well think about it. Wouldn't you be scared if you sat down and realized that you weren't here for any reason at all. That if you died, everything would just continue going. Well it does, you dying would affect the people and things that surround you, but if you 100% listened to this philosopher, you would drive yourself mad and the people around you would grow less and less, until if you did die, it really wouldn't matter. Who wants to live like that?

So instead we talk, we write, we communicate. Simply to stay sane. So that tree outside my window, it's a tree to me, well most days it's a tree.

Mammal Vs Mammal: CTE200

So the regular four folk that read my blog haha, I am adding an extra weekly blog about my awesome Critical Theory English 200 class. I love my prof and the topics in class so it should be an interesting read! Just thought I would put that out there...

So all of these philosophers tell us that humans are meaningless and there really isn't any point of us being here. If you look at the amount of time we have lived to the amount of time the Earth has been orbiting the sun, we make no dent in its history. This may seem depressing and if you take each word of the essays we have been reading literally, you may indeed want to slit your wrists and feel as though life is pointless, but if you go deeper than the surface most of the writers seem to be saying that we should just accept that our life is simply to live and enjoy what we make happen. It's not going to change how the world turns or really how the world ends up, not saying that there aren't things like the environment that must be protected, but in general if you become a writer or an engineer, its really not going to make a difference once the next generation of people show up. Or at least in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't.

All of this talk of human existence not being as meaningful as everyone lets on helped me out. Made me realize that I might as well do the things I truly enjoy and take a leap of faith in my own life; giving myself one major goal, to be happy. If there is happiness with or without lots of income or "material" wealth, my life wasn't spent being angry or depressed or alone. Which in my mind makes more sense then just living for some new gadget. But besides my whole take on it, I'd like to bring up a new point that the philosophers didn't really get to. Why is it that we put ourselves above everything living? We are always the alpha dog, but seriously, we have created our own languages, how do we know that other living being on this earth haven't also created their own way of speaking. Other animals obviously have their ways of communicating, but why do we put ourselves above everything else. Just because we don't understand their terminology doesn't mean they don't have their own language or common speech. These philosophers tell us that we are nothing to this earth, that in a couple hundred or thousand years our existence won't matter, so why do we make ourselves so important. Why is it that the other animals may not just be as smart and "intelligent" as the humans? They haven't brought it up and I don't understand how it couldn't be a possibility. Would it just be to scary to admit, does fear stop us from believing that maybe we aren't the only ones "existing for no reason at all"?

Incredible Lov

I love love. There are many different kinds of love and many different ways of showing love. But as a constant observer of this wonderful beautiful thing, I have found that the deepest is between that love that brings you total happiness. The thing about this type of love, this one love that everyone yearns for is terribly frightening to get too. No one knows if they have found it or if they have something like it or maybe they haven't found it at all and our simply faking the fact they "found it". The thing about this ONE love is that it is the most miraculous, who can say you haven't got it? Who can say they have? Instead of finding it, it just happens. When you aren't asking for it or wanting more out of love. It just happens. It comes up from behind you and embraces you and unless you let it go, it will stay forever. Because once it happens and the two people that are involved at that moment become one person. They don't change who they are individually they simply become something new that is even grander then they can realize. I call it that one love simply because it is above the rest. It makes everything else seem minimal. Once you find it, you can look at your life in the mirror and laugh at all the things that you once were so concerned about. I am not saying that someone should give up living. I'm just saying that you will give up thinking that everything is so important because in totally honesty, the things we are so concerned about before the one love comes along is just to make us not so concerned about not having the one love. I'm giving the L word a big ego and probably giving it to much credit, but I have seen love and felt it. It's warm and unbearably wrenching. It can turn a life around. It has the most power over our emotions and something that can literally control the ticking of our heart deserves a lot of credit and an even bigger ego. The great thing about love is that if that one love goes or stays love is still left inside you. Love never goes away, it doesn't turn on you. No people turn on you, but people also say and never let the love created go. The one love is created, combining individual love, while the love that lives inside us is our best friend.

I was told by someone that I loved that I was unlovable, I was helpless. Maybe for now that is true, but you can become lovable again. You just have to find where it went, where your personal love went. Once you find that, love can be created love can be given and received. Another friend would call me mushy for bringing any of this up, but deep down I know they think the same things, they are just protecting themselves. For me, the love I have in my hands is then I can handle and so I give it out to my dearest friends. I may not show it enough to the person I need to when the time comes, but I have seen what its like to lose track of the love inside. So I bring it deeper inside as to not lose it. The thing we all need to learn. They thing we all need to see and feel and taste and touch and comprehend, is the fact that usually when you find out that you love someone. That you know 100% you love the other person and doing nothing at all, but having them two feet away, or snuggled up in your arms, or across the room cooking, that you honestly love them, that they aren't going anywhere either. They made the choice too. What's going through your head is going through theirs. They are afraid you will leave, that that love is going to be lost. That they are going to have to start again and find themselves. But at that point, you need to stand your ground, see what's more important, which is more important. The love or yourself. That will define it, that will show you the time that needs to be spent with this love you have created. It is the hardest question that will probably ever be asked by everyone throughout the ages. But it is one that you answer on your own. You then have to believe that the choice you make is the right one and when it comes time that you know it is or isn't meant to last, it will come to an end or never end. It's confusing and it's hard, but we all know or at least have some inkling of what I'm saying, the key is you have to want to realize that what I'm saying we all have to do.

A friend like myself, the one that has always been there for the talks, the chatter before in the middle and in the end, that friend that me in your life, will always be there, but they can't I can't make the choice for you. If only the friend that me could, but sadly we can't. We are merely people, bystanders watching the love that is created and yearned for and held...

Summer's A Endin'

So it is ending once again. Another summer gone and another school year beginning. I don't know how I feel about it this year. I feel as though I always see the new year beginning now instead of in January. We grow up over the summer, we get that pent up energy out of our systems, we get a chance to be free. Then when it ends we go back to scheduled lives, academic agendas, friends we haven't seen, and lives we have put on pause. Once you get out of the "schooling" years I guess this ends too. It seems to me that we are all chasing after our lives, either trying to out win it or trying to run backwards.

Picture three people in an air terminal. The one is running as fast as they can to catch their plan. Life has gone ahead and is just passing them by while they try to catch up. Another is running backwards on the walking treadmill trying to weave through the people because they forgot to say goodbye. Life has pasted and the fellow has missed out, forgotten to say goodbye to their friend their lover their dead father or just someone living in the past. The last is the one I hope to be someday. They are just walking slowly down the air terminal to their next gate. They are striding along with life, not trying to catch up when it races forward and not trying to remake the past. They are content with whatever ends up happening.

At the end of each summer I try to evaluate my life. Have I accomplished the goals I had set, did I change, was a level of maturity reached, how can I make it through the coming year...They are all things people ask themselves, but what are the answers. Right now I feel like I'm between running backwards and feeling totally overwhelmed that I will need to let go and run ahead to catch up. That guy walking along will smile at me and think, "She'll get it right one of these days." I've met those people. The "content" people. They are so calm, so relaxed, happy to help. The models of society, the ones we need running the countries of the world, the ones we won't dearly as a friend, the ones that make it without a migraine at the end of the day, the ones who don't spend their time regretting...

Some day I will be one of those people, I'm working on it and I can say that this summer has taught me many things. It has taught me to keep working, to keep chugging along. It has taught me to follow my passions and my dreams, make them something on the top of my list, that I may need to wait for other things that seem sooo important. Get where I need to be and then think about the more "fun" things. Life is about making your life happy and fulfilled and I plan on never forgetting that truth. I love life, I love living, and I love breathing.

So summer is ending and in a couple of weeks I'll be running around "terminals". I'll be busy and scared at times, but there will be laughs shared and remembered too. School is an exciting time even if its overwhelming. All of you who are going back to high school remember that it will be over soon, anyone headed to college for the first time remember that its super fun but don't let it get ahead of you, people going back to college for a second third fourth five time remember the joys of friends and the work that will get you to those dreams, and everyone else remember all the times you have had and look forward to the new ones if you haven't found what you want find it. Be happy...until next time

Eat Pray Love

There are some films that will always stick with me. Some that make me laugh like The Hangover or Some Like It Hot, some that make me cry like Atonement and V for Vendetta, some that make me angry and deeply concerned like Jesus Camp and Hell House, some that inspire me like Mona Lisa Smiles and Erin Brockovitch, and the list continues. You get the point, I'm sure you share similar opinions about films as I do in your own way of course. We already know that films turn my life around, but one that I have seen recently I had been waiting to see since I found it was being filmed. I am guilty, I didn't read the book first (my mother lost it and I was to lazy to go to Borders or the local library), but the film moved something in me that hadn't been moved in awhile. It made me look at my life differently and how I want to live my life. Eat Pray Love was not only well cast, but the cinematography and the length made you feel as though you were experience Elizabeth Gilbert's life adventures along with her. Julia Roberts as you may know is my favorite actress, but she acted so well and worked so diligently to make it seem that her life was being turned upside down. She made you think that maybe there is more in a life then getting married having kids and watching yourself grow older. Those things those dreams you created when you were back in college should be made a reality. If you wanted to spend time alone, on your own, then go out and do it. Don't hold back because you never know what will happen down the road. If you have the opportunity then jump for it. It may sound stupid and it may sound unrealistic, but I live my own life in terms of "surrealisticness" I make them realities simply because I don't want to watch myself age in my mirror. Look at the wrinkles form without really living, just passing the time. I want to see the world and shouldn't you give that opportunity to yourself as well? The surreal and spontaneous world is much more exciting (scary most definetly) but more exhilerating then a world lived in a cubical with the same schedule everyday. Who says you have to settle? Your parents, your grandparents, or was that just a rule that was created because people were to afraid of the unknown. Scared to see the world that was out there. We don't want to see corruption or poverty, we want to shadow our lives. I am frightened of things I have yet to see, but that doesn't mean I want to hide myself away and not experience it. If we all tried to "see" a little more and put ourselves out there, maybe the earth we live on wouldn't be dying so quickly or the society we live in wouldn't be so "fucked" up. I have always seen my life one step at a time. Yes I have dreams and goals, but instead of creating them and never actually fulfilling them, I find a way to make them come true even if it seems impossible. For example, I made it a goal to get into Penn State. My grades were horrible in grade school because I had terrible anxiety, but even though I didn't get in on the first shot, I figured it out. Where am I now? A sophomore returning to school at Main Campus this fall. You can do it, if you really set your mind on it. People will try to tell you are unrealistic and ridiculous, take it with stride and say, "Yep you're probably right." They can find out later that you crazy son of a bitch did exactly what you had set your heart on. One mistake I probably make, is I follow my heart before my head, but in the end it makes me happy. So if traveling to three countries in a years time to find yourself is what you need to do to fulfill the end goal, DO IT! If it's something completely different, find a way to make a bridge to the island where your dreams await you. If you ask me, I'm a dreamer and I will never change.

More Beauty

Things That I Find Beautiful

My Own Quote

mistakes make us human, real friends know us better than ourselves, enemies keep us awake, time gives us a chance to do the things we find out we love, and life passes by watching what we will do with what is given to us...

Fly Fishing

There is something about fishing that I will never grow out of. You know when you are a kid and you lean into a stream or any body of water and just fall in and tell your parents, "Mom! DAD! I'm all wet, I didn't do it on purpose." Everyone knows you did. We all did it, well most of us. I know I did it on multiple occasions and my Dad always smiled at me and handed me a towel or said deal with being wet then because we have another mile before we are back to the car. Anyway, for Father's Day, along with some other things, I took my Dad fishing. It is always a pleasant time. Fly fishing is such a relaxing hobby that I will never get tired of. It's about focusing of the stream and the feeling of each time your fly hits the water and anticipating that strike that you so dearly want at the end of your lead. So anyway, picture this...

We drove about fourty miles out to the yellow breaches in PA, talked about music, which with me and my dad is usually the topic of discussion, he still doesn't understand that Regina Specktor and Christina Aguiliera are different singers but that's okay, and then we cross the covered bridge which are lovely and built across the beautiful state of PA, and then we get out of the little old Volvo. I put on my vest and my hat with my license attached to the back, my Dad hands me my grandfathers rod, I put it together taking off the dust and dried up bugs (its been in the garage for a year what do you expect), we pick out our flies that we made years before, dust them with silicon, and head out to the stream...

As soon as we get in, I catch a baby fish, it was cute, didn't get a picture of him/her though, I let the little guy go. The stream was cool and calm, these Koreans came to watch us, which sort of made me nervous and I ended up whipping myself in the face with my fly, which made me laugh to myself. After awhile we changed flies and as it hit the water, I got another strike and brought in another fish. It's so thrilling to catch a fish, but I don't need to catch a fish these days to enjoy the river, my Dad taught me that. After a couple of hours, we had tired our arms and got out of the lovely stream, dried off, and drove back in silence. The thing about my dad, he is very quiet, but so am I sometimes. We enjoyed our little time alone on the stream and I hope to share it with him again soon. Happy Father's Day Dad! I love you.

Until next time!

Amazing (i hope)

Fun Art

An artist living in Queens was posted in the New York Times today, haha as I am an avid reader of the Times, he was taking a class, but I thought his collage was interesting. He takes materials he finds all over the city and puts them into wall collages like the one I have posted above. He said many times he finds himself bringing an attractive girl with him to steal the big name fashion labels off the clothes, people this is a man who knows what he wants :P. Along with his wall collages, he makes scrips and CD covers with his wonderful art.

She Popped Her Head in 8 Years Later

History Lesson in Pictures

This May Make You Angry :P

Okay so there is a lot of music out there, right. I'm sure you've listened to the radio in your car or your parents car, well what do you happen to hear the most often. Crap (in my opinion of course), but I feel like if you don't want to hear my thoughts then you wouldn't be reading this silly blog. Now we had some good artists come through America before, most of them were visiting our country for concerts though. Americans have a problem with anything a little different, which makes us years behind the rest of the world, in the music world and well in many different areas of life in general. But back to music and what I wanted to discuss.



So the battle between Lady Gaga and Christina Aguilera...Christina started all of this different modern music videos, sexuality added to the music, and the "costumes" that our beloved Gaga wears, were worn by Christina way before Gaga's time. Just look back...Aguilera started in 1998 and Gaga...what??? 2006. Yes Christina started an era of music videos and music that Gaga seems to be getting credit for. I hear on the "street" Christina being called dirty and gross and showing off the fact she is bisexual. Ummm well Gaga is doing the same thing, and she gets, Oh well Gaga is doing it for a cause, last I checked she is a musician superstar making lots and lots of money. The money she gives to charity, like all celebrities is a tax write off. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that celebrities give their money to causes, but don't be blind folks. Our beloved Lady Gaga is no different, don't let her confuse you. I like both of their music, but I was a fan of Christina a long time ago, when my sister started listening to her music back in Middle School. Gaga appeared while I was in High School and the end of High School at that. Go and praise your Lady Gaga, but don't forget she got her ideas from the true blond Christina...Just look at the pictures on Wikipedia...

So be careful when you bring out the accusing fingers...until next time get Back to Basics...

I just felt Like I needed to Post this haha

It's Been Awhile

So it's summer and let me just say I wouldn't be tired of it already if I wasn't stuck in a place where my freedom was restricted to the limit. Thankfully my dear friend, Greg, came to visit this weekend, and since my parents love my guy friends, I had a lot of time on my own without questions or interruptions. I felt like I was back at college, or a real adult for maybe the first time since I have lived at the top of the hill in Hummelstown.

Adulthood seems to be a good time in ones life. You find out who you are, where your going, and what you may see as the days and months pass by. Time seems to speed up because you are finally doing things that truly interest you and most of the time you get the opportunity to do these things with people you love. I have found for me at least, that love is more of a friendship code then one that involves a relationship. I have always been the third wheel, in most situations, and almost am more content on the fact that I am my own person and don't have to worry about the fact that I may not be acting or keeping another individual happy and care free at all times. Maybe its because I grew up in a family that fought a lot, not that that is unhealthy, but sometimes it makes you think, if this is how relationships are what's the point. I'd much rather help a friend figure it out, then maybe have to deal with it first hand. Maybe I'm just not ready to be strapped down yet haha, I don't know. I always feel like there is more to see and do and if I'm not with someone as spontaneous as me, I may not get to see and do the things that pop up in my head.

For example, this weekend, Greg and I had no plan, we figured we would end up in Gretna by the lakeside, but that "plan" never happened. We drove around Harrisburg, from Goodwill to Arab country of PA, drove all the way out to Steelton, into Lebanon, passed four cars in the rain heading out to Lancaster, ended up shopping in the mall, which gave Greg the opportunity to put me in girly clothes, and ended up napping back at home till dinner, ending the night with a nice camp fire. It was a lovely day, but I never would have expected seeing or doing any of those things that day, and I enjoy having a life of "mystery". It's thrilling to not have a schedule or a place that you need to be, it's part of being young and wild haha, but I don't see it leaving anytime soon, or ever if I can help it. I see life more as a film that isn't completed, I'm a director of my own life, not that this hasn't been said hundreds of times before me, but I do. I was at a high school graduation a week ago, and all the commencement speeches had one thing in common, you can do what you want and become who you want to be and yes there are consequences for the decisions you make, but from here on out the choices you make are yours and no one has the right to take that ability away from you. And its true, if you live in a place like America, you shouldn't let someone else say, "When you grow up you have to be a doctor or a lawyer." Be what you want to be, be smart about it, but find something that you won't hate doing everyday. For me, writing was the path I choice, I'm not done with it, but I took a smart route, I love art and film, but I know that it will be easier to find a job in journalism, I want to live in New York City for the rest of my life, its going to be challenging and to even get by in NYC you need a job. The economy might be dwindling, but its part of the challenge. I find it exhilarating, scary as hell, but still amazingly exciting at the same time. Anyway this post has gone in all directions I fear, but I hope you got something out of it. Until next time...

Goodbye Lock Haven, For Now

My mind wanders at night, unless I get right to bed after a hard day of either babysitting four kids (4, 7, 8, and a 6th month old dog) or being out and about my mind has to much to think about, so I write instead of keeping all of it inside me. I have learned over the years that if I leave all my thoughts and emotions inside I get to consumed and it tires me out even more. In the end, I get about 5 hours of sleep because I spend hours writing and if I don't get it all out at once I end up tossing and turning in bed.

Anyway the point, Anne, get to the point. I had a lovely weekend with a dear friend. I visited the small but beautiful town of Lock Haven. The house I was staying in was old and is being redone to become a glorious B&B. It urged me to write more, so I started a new book about an architect who desires to travel home, but knows that he needs to get the job down at hand, how he tosses and turns about the meaning of love when he would rather just go it alone. As I wrote and cooked wonderful food, I could smell the mountains and the river. It was very relaxing and it made me feel very far away from the busy world that we all live in. On the trip home I got teary eyed knowing that the trip was done and it was time to get back to reality. But at least at night, I can go back to my happy place, in the pages I read and write. So I must thank my friend Greg, for the lovely weekend. It was a nice escape, time away from the parental world I seem to be stuck in.

A place where I can't really be myself, simply because my parents don't understand who or what I want to be. A place where my freedom is stolen away and restricted. A place where the goal is to make money to pass the time and then come home only to run upstairs and write, listen to music, read, and work on art projects. A place that I want to leave so badly, but I know that even when I leave and I grow older and move away, somewhere in my heart I will miss this town that my teen angst despised. I'll miss being able to come home and writing. Not that will I will ever stop writing, but it won't be the same. I won't be writing about escape plans, fighting my parental units, or how bored I am. No the topics will change and as my life flashes before my eyes so will the pages and chapters of my books that I will hopefully write and publish. The dream world that lives in my notebook and head may come true and the things I will write will be more real then the things I write now. That is the day I wait for, when I am missing home, but will still be glad that I have made my own start like everyone does around my age. Where I will go, I can only predict. What I will do, I can only dream of. When I will do it, I can only count down from. And how I will do it, I can only plot out.

So thank you little town of Lock Haven, for helping me see that it can only get better, I can only get more independent and free. I'll be back LH. Well have a goodnight everyone. It's time I go to bed or I'll never be able to last 8 hours with my little kids...

It's All In The Fine Print

Love Forever

There is something on this earth that I will love forever and it is film. This post will probably be pretty short and to the point, but it still needs to be said, simply because I think it does. Film is something that I will never get tired of, whether what I watch is boring or exciting, new or old, homemade or Hollywood, it has taken my heart and it will never give it back. No matter if the movie industry will take me to my friends house or across the world, I will keep it with me not only because I get enjoyment out of it, but its almost part of my soul. Like you already know, I have been watching films of all kinds since I was a little kid and when something is part of your childhood and never goes away, come on it becomes a piece of home to you. Film is a place that can take me away from reality, a place I like to stay away from as much as possible. Reality is boring and monotonous most of the time unless you are with people who believe in the dream world as much as you do.

For example, when I saw the new Alice and Wonderland I never wanted to leave the theater. It's a reoccurring problem, once a film starts and I enjoy it, it should just never end... This world of imaginary lives and break downs of a person's life can teach people so much about their own lives, which is why film is so cool. I say cool, because think about it, one film can use up all of your emotions, it can teach a kid about the concepts of death, it can show what happens when someone falls in love, it can say the stuff that you can't say yourself in about 90 minutes give or take. One film could change the world, you may call me crazy, it wouldn't be the first time, but think about it, one film can give jobs to hundreds of people, the money made can help a local economy, or simply give you a good cry in your home after a long week at work/school/play.

For me, films are an escape to the fast past world we live in. Films take me away to my "happy place". They have always been there for me, as I'm sure they will be in the future. It will be a love that lasts a lifetime. It is my reality, while the rest of my life is just a dream or a nightmare depending on the day.

ARF ARF GOTHCA!

I just finished watching another film to add to my long list of random movies. Instead of going out on a Friday night or smoking a pack of cigs or drinking as a high schooler, I stayed up late and watched one or two of the 500 million movies that my mother has collected (horded) over the years. Some of them were fantastic, some of them not so good, but if you say a movie off the top of your head, win and doubt I've probably seen it or at least heard of it (if you're really trying to be tricky). Film has always been a hobby of mine, but like writing I never thought I would go anywhere with it, but why not try for it write. Well anyway that is not what this post is about, nope its about the movie I just finished watching.

So I was flipping through the channels, Harrison Ford, Julia Roberts, Justin Long, they all show up, but I pick the off the wall film that my parents will probably end up hating. Hackers, a film about some young kids in New York City that end up busting a large hacker in a FBI agency. Johnny lee Miller and Angelina Jolie work together to find the "source" with their other computer geek pals. The music was all from the 90s, the clothing was all late 80s mid 90s, and the laptops were quality!!

I fell in love, but let me tell you it took my mother a bit of convincing. Jolie was to "pushy" and "mean" and the ADD kid was way to "quirky" and "gross". But by the end she loved the gang as much as I did. See if you want to please my mom, get the big bad corporates with their aviator sunglasses and she's perfectly content. If she knew I had a blog she would probably think the FBI was on the way to our house in minutes, breaking down the door with machine guns, just like in the film. Dad liked it more than the usual chick flick playing on the screen, so he enjoyed every minute and analyzed every part.

That is one question I have: If any guys read this blog, why do you all have to analyze everything? It really kills the movie for me, I mean afterward, a nice chat or heated argument can commence, bring it, but really during the movie, everything has to be connected to something and if it doesn't its "bad" writing? I don't think so, but maybe I'm just a girl and I think you boys all still have cooties ha ha I don't know.

Anyway I enjoyed the maybe dated 1995 movie, Hackers. Maybe you should add it to your list of movies and you can rate it for yourself!

Have a good one, until next time For the Glory (ha ha just kidding, but I had to, I miss my Stall Stories from Penn State what can I say...)

Talking to A Friend

So I was talking to a dear friend of mine tonight about how much I write. I wrote a letter to a man who really helped me out. He wrote how i learned how to snap. It saved me from a lot of lonely nights in my house in Hershey. So anyway while I was writing my letter, my friend told me that, I write a lot, but not too much. I was glad to have this realization. For me writing is an escape. A Great Escape if you get the movie reference and it always has been, well at least since the 6th grade. Every person should try to find something that lets them escape from the big scary, sometimes dirty world we live in day in and day out. It's important to know that, because if you find the thing that lets you escape you will find purpose in your life, even if its something small. For me writing is a big thing, but your escape doesn't have to be the dominate thing in your life, it could be looking out your window at 1 in the morning and seeing that star sparkle back at you, or daydreaming, cooking, being around animals, riding a roller coaster...it could be anything, but you have to find it. No one can do it for you. It took me quite a long time to realize writing was something I needed. Something that I had to get good at, but even though I learned and changed how I wrote over the years, it still meant a lot to me and now I would never give it up for anything. I think I need to make it a bigger part of my life because it keeps me going, its like my conscious telling me what to do...helps me see things clearer, break them apart and put it back together, for better or for worst. So thank you friend, I have been realizing a lot these past weeks...