I realize that its been about a year since I started this blog and I'm remembering now the reasons for starting it. I really did it because I wanted a place to write where it wasn't just me that would see my work, but others, strangers friends enemies, I think you get the picture. I'm looking back and reflecting on this "year" and I can't help but see how much has passed how much I've grown in just a years time. I started this blog not realizing how much would pass in my life. I went to my first funeral that actually really meant something to me, I spent hours on a deck in Connecticut trying to grasp what death and family really meant, I spent hours trying not to be bored in my house for the summer all the time wishing I could see my sister wishing it was like the old days when I'd come home and she'd be there, I went on some of my first adventures to see my friends from school and I was amazed to find that it's really different once you've been away at school for a year and coming back to limited freedoms, I came back in the fall and found Penn State Thespians and they gave me a reason to keep trying, I ended up having the biggest fight with my parents and now that relationship will never be the same again but now I see that that isn't always a bad thing, I spent my first Christmas away from home and it was enjoyable but very foreign and lonesome even though my sister was there, I went on my first vacation with my friends and saw that its hard being an adult and being on your own even when you are having a good time, I realized how hard it is to support your friends but how important it ends up being, I found that sometimes there's a point when something happens and things will never really be the same but that's somehow okay, it ends up making you stronger, I went to my second funeral and met people that moved me made me want more from life, I watched my best friend get into a year program in Jordan and I realize how much I will miss him while he's away but at the same time so very proud of him, I got my first paid internship in something I really enjoy doing, I fell in love and I felt broken but just because I know it hurts doesn't mean I will regret it and I made the hardest decision of all: to live my own life and try to see where it leads me. So much has happened and not much time has passed. No wonder the years start going by so quickly, you start getting involved in life and you don't realize how everything else keeps going at the same pace even if your miles ahead of it. I have learned so much about myself that I almost feel like I know too much. It's scary but it's exciting. It's beautiful but it can be ugly too.
I came into my apartment this evening after contemplating some of this stuff and my roommate was watching Now and Then, one of those movies I grew up with. A movie about four girls who grew up. I see myself as a grown up now more and more each day and I just can't believe it's here already. Yesterday I saw myself as just a kid trying to get by, now I feel like I want to get by I have to because it's the most important thing in life. I have people that love me and there are people that I truly love in return and I don't want to lose that because I'm caught up in emotions or not realizing that other people are going through similar struggles. I don't want to lose control anymore because it's a waste of time and as I grow I see that we don't have that much time and we should never spend it in regret. By the time you get in your bed, you should try and think about the good things you have. We are all going to have bad times, I'm in some right now, but it doesn't mean you can't come out and appreciate the small stuff. It's there and it's there to help you get through rough patches. The sun always comes up and until it doesn't I don't see any reason to give up trying. There's no reason to believe that you aren't strong enough or that just because you grew up thinking you were a failure that you actually are. I'm writing this post just as much for my readers as I am for myself, because we all forget. We all lose track of time, but sometimes we have to meet it half way. Slow down just so we can see that our lives aren't ending, they are just moving to the next thing. We are living to live. That may not make sense and it may be "melodramatic" but I mean it in the most positive way I can. We live so we can see life, so we can see growth. Our world is hanging in there and so are we, but to make it better we have to push ourselves to never let go. Cherish the things that matter most and indulge in the things that will keep us sane. We have to work at the things that mess us up and force ourselves to learn that we can make good change, it's not all bad. Everything that happens happens for a reason because we make it happen. We need to start believing in ourselves a little more.
Well I hope some of this makes sense and I hope maybe someone will get something out of it, but even if they don't have an amazing start to the summer! Watch a movie that you love, see friends that make you laugh, have discussions about the world, grow up a little while still remembering that inner kid, just be you and be happy!
A quote from one of my favorite (Sam from Now and Then): He said something that didn't mean as much then as it does now... He told me that things happen in life that you can't stop but it wasn't a reason to shut out the world...
I love you and until next time have a wonderful summer!!!!
